To see yourself as more than your fertility.
Why trying-to-conceivers should resolve to do it:
The desire to have a child is a key part of many people’s lives, and when you’ve grown up assuming that of course you’ll be a mom or dad, thinking that may not happen can be heartbreaking.
However... your life is so much more than your fertility. And while I know you may feel like not becoming a parent would “destroy” your life, it really won’t. It’ll just change it.
You’ll mourn, and yes, you’ll feel loss. But you’ll also go on to be and do many more things in your life.
You are much more than your fertility.
Ways to put the resolution into action:
Here are some ways to see yourself and your life beyond your fertility:
- Make a list of statements that fill in the blank, “I am ____________ .” and “I am a ________.” One of those may be “I am infertile.” But what else are you?
- Look at the “I am a _______ .“ list that you wrote down, and pick one “identity” to focus on. For example, if you wrote “I am a teacher,” consider how you can further embrace that part of your life.
- If you're coping with secondary infertility, you may have even written, "I am a mother/father." How can you refocus on the child or children you have?
- Make a list of what is important to you. The list can include anything from the personal to the political. Once you have your list, choose one thing on that list to get more involved in.
- Consider starting a gratitude practice, which may help you see the small good things in your life even when times are tough.
- Take some time to imagine and consider your Plan B. What will you do with your life if you can’t get pregnant? Would you adopt? If not, what would your life look like? Seriously discuss with your partner these plans, in a realistic non-catastrophizing way. Just having the Plan B, even if you never use it, can help you remain calmer in times of infertility stress.
- Consider what it would take to decide not to pursue further treatment. (There are no right or wrong answers to this.)
- When you’re ready, consider alternative ways to be involved in the life of a child besides parenting. You can do this in the midst of trying to conceive as well as after. (In other words, this isn’t just for those who will remain childfree.)
Click here to return to the main list of resolutions.
Sources:
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Chavarro JE, Rich-Edwards JW, Rosner BA, Willett WC. “Diet and lifestyle in the prevention of ovulatory disorder infertility.” Obstet Gynecol. 2007 Nov;110(5):1050-8. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17978119
Galhardo A, Pinto-Gouveia J, Cunha M, Matos M. “The impact of shame and self-judgment on psychopathology in infertile patients.” Hum Reprod. 2011 Sep;26(9):2408-14. doi: 10.1093/humrep/der209. Epub 2011 Jul 4. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21727160
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International Federation of Fertility Societies (IFFS) (2013, October 15). Cost biggest anxiety for IVF patients. ScienceDaily. Retrieved December 26, 2013, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2013/10/131015191134.htm
Michelle P. Lukse and Nicholas A. Vacc. "Grief, Depression, and Coping in Women Undergoing Infertility Treatment." Obstetrics & Gynecology 1999 93:245-251. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9932564
Neff, Kristin. Self-Compassion Exercises. Accessed on December 26, 2013. http://www.self-compassion.org/self_compassion_exercise.pdf
Wu AK, Odisho AY, Washington SL 3rd, Katz PP, Smith JF. “Out-of-Pocket Fertility Patient Expense: Data from a Multicenter Prospective Infertility Cohort.” J Urol. 2013 Sep 7. pii: S0022-5347(13)05330-5. doi: 10.1016/j.juro.2013.08.083. [Epub ahead of print] http://www.jurology.com/article/S0022-5347%2813%2905330-5/abstract