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"The nation's second-largest oil company, Chevron Texaco, announced it was buying rival Unocal Corp. A spokesman for Chevron Texaco, which made a $13 billion profit last year, says the new company will be called 'Bend Over, America.'" --Dennis Miller

"While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our federal wildlife refuge in Alaska.

Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying trust me, there's enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life." --Tina Fey

"President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops yesterday. It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell -- the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." --Jay Leno

"The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." —Jay Leno

"How many have seen 'March of the Penguins'?...You know why they're marching? They can't afford gas." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry blasted the Bush administration for high gas prices ... he said gas is so expensive he may now have to marry Bill Gates." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry made a speech announcing a plan to control gas prices. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's crazy, only Dick Cheney can control gas prices.'" —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gasoline if he is elected president.

He said he would arm-twist members of OPEC to lower prices. Do you think this is really going to work with OPEC, arm twisting? Hey, Bush invaded them and they haven't lowered prices. We blew up the country and they haven't lowered prices." —Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive now, today I saw Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds carrying their cars." --Jay Leno

"How many went to the beach this weekend? How many went to the mountains? How many just piled in the family car, sat in the driveway, and pretended you could actually afford gas to go somewhere?" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration announced they're going to be looking now into some short-term solutions into high gasoline prices. ... They're looking to solve the problem, I don't know, up to the first week in November." —Jay Leno

"This week, the economy is still suffering, the economy is at an all-time low, gas prices are going up over $2 a gallon. In other words, President Bush is back from vacation and back on the job." —Jay Leno